For as much as I love to be original, I definitely have a need to fit in. I jokingly say all the time that I am trying to be one of the cool kids, but it really isn't THAT much of a joke. I like to think of myself as trendy and want to be in the know about all of the coolest and latest things. Fashion magazines (and my 21 year old niece) help me stay abreast of the latest fashions and I rely on satellite radio to keep me on the cutting edge of music. If there is a new trend in food, I will at least think about trying it (need I remind you of my food issues) and I was one of the first to sip on cosmos after Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and charlotte made it cool. So you can imagine how I felt when the coffee, or should I say, Starbucks craze hit the nation. I don't drink coffee or any coffee related drink, so all I could do is stare with jealous eyes at all of the cool kids with their Starbucks cups. Yes I do drink tea but it's just not the same. I longed to walk up to the counter and order some sort of complicated latter or cappuccino drink. I tried like hell to find something that I like on the menu so that I could at least fake it. I was happy to learn that they do serve camel apple cider which I love (without the caramel of course!) so I can walk around with my Starbucks cup and be a cool kid.
So many of the people in my life really, really love coffee. I mean an obsessive love, an I-have-to-have-it-or-I’ll-hurt-somebody love. It can't just be the caffeine, there are plenty of other things that pack just as good a caffeine punch as coffee, so it must be something differ, something else. I always said I didn't like coffee, but to be fair I had never tried it. I like the smell of it, so that's a start, but I have always been hesitant to try it. I am already addicted to Pepsi and sugar so really I don't need to add another vice but apparently this is one of those things that "everyone" does so I have to at least try to get on the bandwagon.
I decided if I was going to try coffee, I would go to the mecca of coffee houses, Starbucks, of course. This is the place where even people on a budget will happily drop five dollars a day on one of their many cups of wonder, so I figured there really was no other choice. I walked into my neighborhood Starbucks and was thankful that there was a line so I had time to figure out what to order. I work to tear my eyes away from the pastry display (look at those cookies!!) and gaze up at what can only be described as the most confusing bunch of madness I have ever seen. Are you kidding me with this? Are there really this many choices of coffee? Really? How the hell am I supposed to know what to order? I just want coffee. I don't even know what a macchiato is! Shit. And I will look like a complete ass if I walk up there and say "I want a cup of coffee." There is now only one person in front of me and I am no closer to knowing what to order than when I walked in. It’s gonna be my turn, shit, it's gonna be my turn!
"Hi! What can I get ya?"
She is way too happy right now. My guess is she has been drinking more coffee than she is serving. I still have no idea what to order but I am too embarrassed to admit that to her and ask for help.
"Um, I'm just going to have one of those cookies," I mumbled.
I am so pissed at myself but I just couldn't bring myself to say "I've never had coffee before so what should I order?" Inevitably should would have looked at me like I had a third arm growing from the middle of my chest and I would have just felt dumb. So I chickened out.
I did have a backup plan, though. I had heard that the coffee at speedway gas station was pretty good and I would have to pass one on my way home, so I would just get coffee there. I am sure, at 7 PM there will not be a bunch of people hanging out at the coffee pot so I should be able to figure out this coffee madness in peace. Plus I had gotten advice from colleen as to what to get if I did go to speedway (I had a feeling I might lose my nerve in Starbucks). She recommended French vanilla coffee. I'm not really sure what that is but I am thinking it should be pretty easy to figure it out. I had decided that I would get a French vanilla coffee as well as a regular coffee. I figure if I am going to try coffee, I have to be true to the process and try just plain old black coffee as well as the French vanilla thing.
Thankfully, when I arrive at speedway, the only other person there is the kid working the counter with eight piercings in his head. At least if I have to ask someone I won't feel dumb, he has holes all in his head for God's sake! I walk over to the coffee corner and am confused right away. There are two pots of coffee that look like they have been sitting there for a while. Then there is a machine that looks like a soda fountain but instead of soda it dispenses things like mocha cappuccino and fat free French vanilla cappuccino. I am not sure if this is what colleen was talking about so I reach for my phone to call her and realize I left it in the car. DAMMIT! I glance over at pierced boy and he is texting frantically and playing with his tongue ring. (Insert big long, pitiful sigh here.) I guess I’m on my own. I fill one cup with regular coffee and grab four creamers. Now it's back to this damn machine again. I am guessing this is what colleen meant when she said French vanilla coffee so I fill my second cup with this light brown stuff that smells kind of like chocolate (I thought this was supposed to be vanilla!) and head home.
sitting at my table staring at the two steaming cups of joe I am struck with how often in this process if have been sitting in this exact spot looking at something I had no desire to consume but feeling as if I had no choice. This will be the LAST thing I put in my mouth against my will! I pour some of the black coffee in a separate cup because I want to taste it like that but then add cream and sugar to it. I would bet all of my shoes (that's HUGE for me!) that I will hate this, but I’m being true to the project so here goes. I planned to take a big sip but as soon as that bitter stuff touched my tongue I slammed the cup back on the table. EWWWWW. That was seriously nasty. I am hoping that there is some sort of crazy magic in those little packs of creamer and sugar but it's not looking good. I decide to try the French vanilla cappuccino next. I am actually pretty hopeful about this. I love vanilla and am thinking that this might be my "in" to the coffee cool kids club. I take a good sized drink of the cappuccino and have to force myself to swallow it. Okay, that was nasty too. And it damn sure didn't taste vanilla-y to me! It tasted more like chocolate (which I am allergic to and HATE) and is really giving my gag reflex a workout. I am not sure I will be able to bring myself to try the last coffee option. I stall by adding two creamers and several mounds of sugar to the once-black coffee. I pray to the sugar gods; dear sugar, you know I love you, I am a loyal friend and will be for life. Please sugar, make this coffee drinkable. Amen.
Sugar betrayed me. I spit it back in the cup almost as soon as it was in my mouth. That shit is nasty. Seriously, I have NO idea how people drink that crap every day. If that is my ticket in, I will so not be one of the cool kids and I don't even care. Y’all can HAVE coffee, I’ll stick to faking it with my apple cider filled Starbucks cup!
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