There's nothing to fear but fear itself...bullshit! - Day 30 of 35 days to 35

I have never claimed to be a particularly rational person. I am emotional, some might even say a bit unreasonable and flighty at times. I prefer to say random. I am very, VERY random. It’s not my fault really, how could I not be random? I am a black identical twin who grew up in Alaska, has lived in nine states and likes all music, even country. See, not my fault! So I don't really feel like I have to explain why I have some very random fears. I’m not scared of typical things like heights or small spaces. I'm scared of things that most people take for granted.


The biggest of these fears seems to center around reptiles and amphibians...basically anything is or looks slimy. I blame it on being raised in Alaska where it was far too cold for those ugly things to live. So I did not grow up chasing lizards, seeing garter snakes and playing with frogs. (Although there were some small frogs around with which the boys in the enjoyed torturing me, but you know what I mean). Tons of people are scared of snakes, so that is not really that random, but I, am completely, utterly, paralyzingly terrified of lizards. Trust me people, this is not an overstatement. It is a phobia, a full fledged, panic attack inducing phobia. And it's not just the big ugly ones I hate, it's the little so-called cute ones too. F-ing geckos! I hate them! Even the stupid little cartoon one on the Geico commercials, I wish someone would just step on him.

People always laugh and say "they are more scared of you than you are of them" or "you know could just step on it and kill it". To that I say....look up the definition of phobia: an IRRATIONAL fear. It’s not supposed to make sense. Yes, I know they run from people and yes, in theory I could crush one very easily but that is of no consequence. I see them and I freeze. Far away, close up, behind glass, it doesn't matter, I have pretty much the same response: sheer and utter terror.

I have never really liked them but I blame the intensity of my phobia on my dad (mom, you're off the hook on this one!). He scarred me for life with his attempt to shock me out of my fear of lizards. Seriously. Scarred for life. I was eight and our family had spent Christmas in Miami with my grandparents and other extended family. One of the reasons I hated (and still hate) going to Miami is because of the abundance of lizards. Those little bastards are everywhere. Whenever I know lizards are around I look for them to make sure they don't get too close but in Miami it's damn near impossible to find them all. Ugh, I hate even thinking about it. Anyway, so one evening as we are leaving my great grandmother's house the subject of this fear comes up. My great grandma's house had a screened in porch and she always kept the light on, even at night. So when it got dark, all of the lizards decided to stick to the screen (just to taunt me I am certain). Along with that, the sidewalk from the house to the street was lined on both dies with big lizard-filled hedges that creeped me the hell out. I came up with a great strategy to avoid the lizards, though; I would kiss and hug my great grandmother then run, literally run, from the safety of the house to the safety of the street. See, I figured if I was not by grass, I would remain safe from the lizards. Everyone in my family knew this plan, and even though they thought it was silly, they understood because they knew how afraid I was.

This particular night, my dad apparently decided that he would help me get over this fear. So I hug my great grandmother and prepare to make my dash to the road. It is important to note here that I had an arm full of Barbies because it was Christmas and Santa had been very good to me. Okay so as I prepare to make my dash, I feel heaviness on my left shoulder and I am unable to make run. I look up into my dad's smirking face and realize that this is not going to end well.

"Where are you going? Why are you running?" my dad says, all innocent like he doesn’t see my increasing panic. "Why don't you walk with me?"

I try to squirm away but it is impossible to get out of his grip. I am trying to walk as fast as I can but I am dragging a 220 pound man and he is just not going anywhere. I can feel my heart beating faster and faster, and I am starting to shake. All I can think is I have to get to the street, I HAVE to get to the street. We start down the sidewalk and I can feel the tears coming. This is seriously the worst thing that has happened in all of my eight years. And then it gets worse.

I feel something hit my right shoulder at the same time I hear my dad say "there's a lizard on you!"

I am sure what you are imagining next is not even a portion of the madness that was about to ensue. All I remember is throwing my Barbies up in the air, running to the street and being completely unable to stop screaming. I mean hysterical, someone-is-trying-to-kill-me screaming. My whole body is shaking and I swear I am about to die any moment. The next thing I remember, my mother is beside me trying to calm me down and my great grandmother is chasing my dad with the broom shouting "You're gonna give that baby a heart attack! What’s wrong with you?!"

I am not sure I ever really calmed down that night. I cried and shook the whole way back to my grandmother's house where we were staying and I remember lying in bed still freaked the hell out. Needless to say my mother was less than impressed with my father's tactics to scare my fear out of me (really? that logic made sense to him? come on!), and he was in the dog house for a few days. His antics had the exact opposite effect on me; if I was scared of lizards before that night, I was 100% phobic after that incident.

So see it's not my fault.

I have tried to address the phobia in my adult life. It really is a hindrance to me; every time someone mentions how nice it would be to lounge on a tropical beach, all I can think if is THERE ARE LOTS OF LIZARDS THERE! So things that should be enjoyable are marred by this fear of lizards and my insane need to look for them if I know they are around. I have tried looking at pictures and TV shows with lizards on them to try to desensitize myself to them but nothing works. I have tried to go into the reptile house at the zoo and I just can't make my feet carry me through the door. I really, really tried. But the last time I seriously had a panic attack before I even made it to the door. But I have to try again, I have to get over this phobia and this 35 days project is about the only way I will be able to bring myself to come face to face with my nemesis.

I chose the Cincinnati Zoo as the site of my rebirth. I would visit their reptile room, walking (not running!) through it and looking at all of the lizards there. This would be a huge step toward conquering this fear if I could actually manage to walk through and look at those nasty little things, maybe they would lose some of the power they had over me. but I knew there was no way I could go alone, so I dragged colleen with me (poor thing, she has been subjected to so many of my 35 day projects, I probably owe her at least a drink!). And this is how we find ourselves standing in front of reptile house at 9:30 am in 35 degree weather. I had to make the trip before I picked sammi up from school and frankly I figured there would be fewer people to laugh at my pathetic ass if we went early. Luckily the reptile house was very close to the entrance of the zoo so we didn't have to walk very far. As soon as I see the sign, my heart starts pounding. I can hear it I swear I can. We walk up the steps but when we reach the top I am frozen. I open the door thinking that we can at least stay warm while I work up the nerve to look at the monsters but as soon as I walk in my eyes go directly to a freakin alligator right in the middle of the room. Granted it was behind a fence but it was enough to get me back outside. At this point, I am really thinking, screw this damn project. I tried. I can't do it. I knew I would feel this way which is why I knew I could not do this alone. Someone was going to have to make me do it.

Colleen is trying to suppress her giggles and agrees to go in and do some recon for me. She comes back pretty quickly and says "In the middle of the room, you have your run of the mill alligator. Then to the left are the lizards and then the snakes are on the right." Wait a minute....run of the mill alligator?! WTF?! Like we see those nasty things every day walking down the street or something. Good God. I am never gonna be able to do this. I try to remind myself to breathe and I hear myself gulp...literally like in cartoons where you hear the characters gulp loudly, I really did that. Damn, I must be scared. My hands are shaking so I jam them in my pockets and try to tell myself to calm down.

I finally convince my legs to get me into the door. I can still see the alligator, but he must be sleeping because he hasn't moved. Colleen is standing in front of the first glass cage kind of describing the lizard to me. Then she says that I might want to wait because he is moving around. GROSS. Oh God. I can't do this.

My anxiety is rising, my heart is now in my throat and I feel like I am going to vomit all over my shoes. All I want to do is get out of here and I can't do that until I at least walk through this room. I decide to just rip off the proverbial band-aid and go. I gingerly walk toward colleen and turn left toward the first glass case. I can't not look at it (after all that is the whole point) so I turn my head and all I can see is black tail about 2 feet long. I get a glance of the head of this monstrosity, let out a scream and take off running through the room and out the door on the other side. So much for walking through the room. Screw that. I’m not going back. I did it. I went in there which is way more than I can say I ever did before. Colleen follows me out bent over with laughter and as I look up at her, it is then that I realize I have crouched down into a fetal position. I am still so scared, it's ridiculous. I know how crazy I must look but I am just trying not to throw up or pass out.

I did it. I made it through without dying, which honestly was a real possibility. So maybe I didn't quite conquer my fear today, but, even if it was just for a few seconds, I was in the same room with it.  That's a start!

P.S. You can thank Colleen for the lovely photos documenting this fiasco!